Worth a read.. and the video drives home the point!
It’s the 28th day of March 2013 and the day is nearing its end.
Why today’s date is so important is that a few months back I took a pledge – one to change my life. It could happen in only two ways. One, that I find a job that is more challenging and let is absorb me, so I do not have the time or the energy to think about anything other than work. Or to get married to any stranger that my parents choose for me. Period.
I set 31st March as a deadline for this. I thought I would have changed my life by now. I have made all the efforts to, more than I did when I had not set a deadline.
- I bought a camera and dedicated time to learning what all it can do. In the process, I managed to shift focus from all the negative thoughts that had been plaguing me.
- I spend more time with friends (specially with one particular friend) with whom I go out for movies and outdoor photography. And yes, I crib a lot to her all the while. But it feels so good to be able to talk to someone, who at least has a clue what you are going through.
- I doubled up my efforts to find a different job. I have appeared for 3 face-to-face interviews since Jan this year, as compared to various telephonic interviews last year that never got converted into F2Fs. (I am still awaiting the verdict of the last one!)
And for that reason, I am wondering if the verdict of that last one will be out in 3 days because that is all the time I have. Because what is a pledge that one doesn’t fulfil.
When I read the theme for this Week’s Writing Challenge, I couldn’t help but smile at the way life tickles you sometimes. This week’s theme is ‘starting over’. This blog of mine which I started in August 2012 is titled the same. This blog was supposed to be a teeny tiny step towards creating a better, happier, more joyous life for myself. And why did I need a new blog to do that for me? I have written enough about that already, so I am not going to rant again. What I am going to write here today is about how I am actually starting over with my life.
Although one can’t put these things down in bullets, but hey, I am trying to keep it simple.. So here it is:
1. I smile more. I laugh more.
2. I have learned to say ‘I’m doing good’ when someone asks me how I’ve been. I know it is not entirely true, but I’ve come to believe if I say it loud often I would get there sometime soon.
3. I have stopped trying to push my friends away or keep myself from making new ones. At the same time, I keep reminding myself that I am my only friend forever. Everyone else will one day disappear.
4. I have started reading again. And of course writing more candidly by way of this semi-anonymous blog.
5. I have finally fulfilled one of my deepest desires of owning a DSLR and pursuing photography seriously. I played my own Santa and bought myself a Canon 1100D T3 Rebel for Christmas and that has already brought colours into my rather morbid life. (You can see some of my clicks in my previous blog post)
6. I make a conscious effort to not feel sorry for myself. Whenever I feel sorry and sad, I tell myself everything happens for a reason.
7. I have accepted that sometimes you got to stop worrying about the future and let destiny take its course.
It was christmas eve four years ago, when you took the empty seat beside me. That ride in the cab was when I first met you. It was amazing we connected so quick, I hardly spoke to anyone so much when I’d only just met them. It didn’t feel like we didn’t know each other at all.
When I found out you had been running late and in your haste hadn’t collected your christmas gift from office, I offered you a chocolate from mine. Then when you were about to throw the wrapper out the window, I grabbed your hand and told you off. I still remember the innocent eyes that peered into mine while I talked. I doubt if I’d forget those eyes in this lifetime.
Whoever said love is the most beautiful feeling in the world, forgot to mention that its also the most painful one. They also probably failed to add that trying to forget someone you love is almost like trying to remember someone who didn’t exist in the first place.
It’s like this.. I am reading through my blog and all I see is sadness, depression, anger, bitterness or worries spilling out in words.. and then, I am like, “It doesn’t seem like I write unless I am overcome by one of these feelings.. But I am not feeling that way right now, so why not try writing now!”
And so I am writing..
There is nothing much to write actually.. Except that I have been having continuous bad days since the last week or so, more bad than is apparent from my rantings on this blog.. So anyway, today was no different. I woke up in a disgruntled mood and kept thinking “why this mood?” all along till I reached work. I didn’t have desk work today, was at a project site. And I was supposed to educate a group of 150 children on renewable energy technologies.
There were a number of reasons why this couldn’t have gone as well as I hoped it would. For one, I am not great with kids. I’m good but not great. Secondly, 150 is a tad too much for anyone to handle. Actually, for anyone who doesn’t have many grey hair, because children often relate authority with age. Thirdly, I was in one of my moods! Need I say more??!!!
When I started with the session though, I forgot everything. I was too busy engaging the kids in an interactive talk and discussion. I took three back-to-back sessions with ~50 children in each batch and I did quite alright. I wasn’t irksome or irritated and I answered all of their questions patiently and to the best of my knowledge. I could see the kids were enjoying themselves because it was not like a regular educational tour where they had to listen to an instructor or facilitator drone on for hours.
At the end of the programme when the kids were making their way to the bus, three of the most junior class girls ran up to me and told me that they had a great time here and that I explain things very very nicely. One of them actually went on to ask me if I would come over to their school and teach them science. All I can say is that I couldn’t stop smiling for a long time after that.
So all in all, the day was good. Sure my throat is a little dry with all the loud-talking I did during the day, but it was a massive mood-lifter when the effort was appreciated.
I am short tempered. Anger is my defence system. I ward people off with my temper. I keep them from discussing things with me that make me uncomfortable.
Arranged marriage was one such subject. Whenever my mother (it’s mostly my mother who brings up this topic, me and my father barely even talk!) initiated a conversation about this, or pointed out that -
a) I am 27 and still single
b) I am 27 and still single, when most of my women friends (some who are much younger than me) are married and ‘settled’
c) I am 27, still single and quite clearly incapable of finding ‘someone’ for myself,
I would yell to shut her up. That’s my stance. I know that’s horrible, but it’s all I have got to protect myself from her, from anybody.
Anyway.. So to avoid my screaming episodes, my folks had got into a habit of discussing this topic in a whisper whenever I was around. I could still figure out, if not hear, as to what the matter was. But at least I could pretend not to have heard, which I did splendidly.
But now that I have surrendered against life’s hardships and mother’s pestering, there is no need for them to whisper anymore. And I am sort-of-OK with it. At last my mind is at the right place, even if my heart is not.