This morning when I woke up, I had a strong urge to write – more like rant, but whatever! All the way to work, I tried to push the thought away and immerse myself in my brand new toy – a Google Nexus 7 I bought recently so that I can reinstate the long-gone obsession of breathing, eating and sleeping books.. Which, by the way, has been extra successful as I’ve finished reading 4 books in the past week alone.. But more on that later..
Right now, I want to rant about instincts, gut feeling, sixth sense – whatever you call them. I’ve been told that women have a stronger sense of whats about to come next in some weird, unexplained, telepathic way than men do. And I’d like to believe that. NOW more than ever. I’ll explain why.
Couple of weeks back, on a murky Saturday afternoon, I sat on my double bed trying to order a Nexus from Amazon. After weeks of research and making up my mind about what features I needed in a tab and what I could live without (I had budget constraints) and fidgeting with a self-conscience that kept pointing to me that I was getting closer (with this buy) to being a lonely-gadget-lady (you know, like the cat-lady who tries to fill the voids in her life with pet kittens? Except in my case it’d be the gadgets, instead of cats), I was finally ordering the tab. And poof! The internet connection went off, just when I was entering my credit card information. And then it came back on. I’d had to refresh and start the whole process again. And then it was gone again. It happened 4 times, every time when I was just about to finish the transaction and something inside me ticked. Although I barely ever go against my instinct, this time I purposefully disregarded the “signs” and adamantly made the order when the internet came back on. I didn’t regret it when I held it in my palms 2 days later, but everyone around me kept reminding me of the features I’d dropped to save a few 1000 bucks, which stung by the way. But I pretended not to care. After all, I should be used to my decisions being questions by now. Yesterday, I got to know that the advanced model which had the features I had compromised was available on discount for just a couple of 1000 bucks more – a few 1000s had become a couple of 1000s. So anyway, I brushed it away but not before recounting all the hoops I’d had to jump to make my Nexus more usable – something that came by default with the advanced model. Sigh!
Then there were a couple of work things that stressed me out and I decided I could work no more. So I cut work early and went for a movie with a colleague – both of us were having Monday blues on a Thursday afternoon! We paid extra bucks for the movie tickets as it had released just the day before and we were making last minute booking for the show. My colleague pointed out that the reviews from the previous day weren’t that great, but I brushed him off. All through the drive, it just felt wrong to be heading out for a movie on a weekday at 3 in the afternoon. All the way up, we were wondering if we were in the right theatre. And then by the hall too, the weird silence was interrupted only by our forced sentences. Once inside the hall, we had a creepy feeling as it was near empty except for a bunch of college kids, who it seemed had bunked classes to be there. I passed them a sneering look, they clearly had nothing better to do in life! We settled down expectantly. After about 20 minutes of patiently bracing the commercials in booming audio, no less, the movie flicked on. 5 minutes into the movie, we both wanted to tear our hair out and run out of the hall like wild apes. Why? WHY!!! All I’d wanted was to get out of my reverie and put aside every thought for a mere 3 hours and step into a World of imagination. And here I was wondering why would someone create a movie that would be neither reality nor imagination and was actually a torture comparable to a third degree. We sat through 15 minutes, then tentatively peeked at our watches – how long was this torture going to go on? A half hour and a few suppressed yawns later, we trudged out of the hall with long faces and heads shaking. We washed down the movie (whatever little we had bore through) with coffee – all the while abusing the movie makers – and headed in our own direction.
How many more wrong decisions was I going to be reminded of today? I wanted the day to just get over. I reached home and hid under my bed covers waiting for night to fall. And when it did, I felt so much better. There’s something very reassuring about darkness and how it encapsulates your fears and flaws within itself.
It is true that these were isolated, seemingly insignificant incidents of my poor judgement. I normally put a lot of (sometimes too much) thought into the teeniest of decisions I’m about to make. But incidents like these bring forth the insecurity that lies deep within me – what if I had done things differently? Not with the tab or the movie, but with the more profound things – my career, my interests, my life! But I won’t know, until the day I face the outcomes of my decisions. Till that time, I live the confusion.