ramblings


Many a times in our lives, we are stuck where we don’t want to be. But we can’t get out of it either. I am stuck like that now.

I have a job. One that I like. I used to love it in the beginning, but my enthusiasm and motivation levels seem to have dipped lately. But what job doesn’t seem monotonous after a couple of years? But its still better than one that required me to sit at a computer day-long dishing out extremely detailed reports that I wasn’t even sure were any use! Then why am I disgruntled?

I live with my family. We’re not exactly ‘peas in a pod’, but we do spend time together. We eat dinner together everyday without fail, watch TV together and discuss sports, politics et. al. Questions like ‘how was your day?’ are strictly ask-at-your-own-risk, hence generally avoided. Family outings are rare but family time is aplenty. Then why am I lonely?

I have everything that I could possibly need. The wants and desires are also (pretty much) within reach! Then why do I feel something is missing?

When I am at work, I want the day to get over quickly. But when I am home, I want the evening to get over quickly too. When I am alone, I yearn for company. But when I am with people, I just want to be left alone. I go out to distract myself. But when I am out, I seek the warmth of inside.

I have been wanting to get away from all this for a while, like physically, even though I know most of this needs sorting mentally! But I am bound by time and commitments to stay where I am.

Between all of this, all that keeps me sane is reading and writing. Reading requires some peaceful time, which is hard to come by these days. Ironically, writing brews from chaos (at least that’s how it is for me!). And hence I write as often as I can and expect to find an answer to all my unworldly questions.

I feel alive!


For the past many weeks, I have been off reading and writing, for no particular reason at all.. I happened to realize today that it was probably what was making me feel miserable. I had retracted into being my gloomy self – offering life related philosophy in response to perfectly innocent questions from my perplexed colleagues..

All this while, there was nothing to write about. And so I didn’t log into WordPress much. So there was no reading either. But today, I felt a weird pull to revisit WordPress – I read some of my old posts and some posts from the blogs I follow.. I realize now that irrespective of whether I have something particular on my mind or not, I should anyway read and write, even if it is something like this.. Sort of makes me feel alive!

So that’s about it. Nothing more to say. Cheerio!

Of instincts and ignorance..


This morning when I woke up, I had a strong urge to write – more like rant, but whatever! All the way to work, I tried to push the thought away and immerse myself in my brand new toy – a Google Nexus 7 I bought recently so that I can reinstate the long-gone obsession of breathing, eating and sleeping books.. Which, by the way, has been extra successful as I’ve finished reading 4 books in the past week alone.. But more on that later..

Right now, I want to rant about instincts, gut feeling, sixth sense – whatever you call them. I’ve been told that women have a stronger sense of whats about to come next in some weird, unexplained, telepathic way than men do. And I’d like to believe that. NOW more than ever. I’ll explain why.

Couple of weeks back, on a murky Saturday afternoon, I sat on my double bed trying to order a Nexus from Amazon. After weeks of research and making up my mind about what features I needed in a tab and what I could live without (I had budget constraints) and fidgeting with a self-conscience that kept pointing to me that I was getting closer (with this buy) to being a lonely-gadget-lady (you know, like the cat-lady who tries to fill the voids in her life with pet kittens? Except in my case it’d be the gadgets, instead of cats), I was finally ordering the tab. And poof! The internet connection went off, just when I was entering my credit card information. And then it came back on. I’d had to refresh and start the whole process again. And then it was gone again. It happened 4 times, every time when I was just about to finish the transaction and something inside me ticked. Although I barely ever go against my instinct, this time I purposefully disregarded the “signs” and adamantly made the order when the internet came back on. I didn’t regret it when I held it in my palms 2 days later, but everyone around me kept reminding me of the features I’d dropped to save a few 1000 bucks, which stung by the way. But I pretended not to care. After all, I should be used to my decisions being questions by now. Yesterday, I got to know that the advanced model which had the features I had compromised was available on discount for just a couple of 1000 bucks more – a few 1000s had become a couple of 1000s. So anyway, I brushed it away but not before recounting all the hoops I’d had to jump to make my Nexus more usable – something that came by default with the advanced model. Sigh!

Then there were a couple of work things that stressed me out and I decided I could work no more. So I cut work early and went for a movie with a colleague – both of us were having Monday blues on a Thursday afternoon! We paid extra bucks for the movie tickets as it had released just the day before and we were making last minute booking for the show. My colleague pointed out that the reviews from the previous day weren’t that great, but I brushed him off. All through the drive, it just felt wrong to be heading out for a movie on a weekday at 3 in the afternoon. All the way up, we were wondering if we were in the right theatre. And then by the hall too, the weird silence was interrupted only by our forced sentences. Once inside the hall, we had a creepy feeling as it was near empty except for a bunch of college kids, who it seemed had bunked classes to be there. I passed them a sneering look, they clearly had nothing better to do in life! We settled down expectantly. After about 20 minutes of patiently bracing the commercials in booming audio, no less, the movie flicked on. 5 minutes into the movie, we both wanted to tear our hair out and run out of the hall like wild apes. Why? WHY!!! All I’d wanted was to get out of my reverie and put aside every thought for a mere 3 hours and step into a World of imagination. And here I was wondering why would someone create a movie that would be neither reality nor imagination and was actually a torture comparable to a third degree. We sat through 15 minutes, then tentatively peeked at our watches – how long was this torture going to go on? A half hour and a few suppressed yawns later, we trudged out of the hall with long faces and heads shaking. We washed down the movie (whatever little we had bore through) with coffee – all the while abusing the movie makers – and headed in our own direction.

How many more wrong decisions was I going to be reminded of today? I wanted the day to just get over. I reached home and hid under my bed covers waiting for night to fall. And when it did, I felt so much better. There’s something very reassuring about darkness and how it encapsulates your fears and flaws within itself.

It is true that these were isolated, seemingly insignificant incidents of my poor judgement. I normally put a lot of (sometimes too much) thought into the teeniest of decisions I’m about to make. But incidents like these bring forth the insecurity that lies deep within me – what if I had done things differently? Not with the tab or the movie, but with the more profound things – my career, my interests, my life! But I won’t know, until the day I face the outcomes of my decisions. Till that time, I live the confusion.

What I’ve known of love..


When I was younger and hadn’t met the first love of my life, I used to imagine an amazing person coming into my life one fine day and stealing my heart from me.. I didn’t believe in love at first sight.. I didn’t hope to be swept off my feet.. I just wished for a calm, quiet companionship..

I don’t know if I should consider myself lucky that I found that one person who I thought was made for me.. Or if I should consider myself unfortunate that I had my heart broken by him twice over, three years apart..

Today, when I am lonely and sad I wonder if this is how it was supposed to be.. Was I supposed to end up like this – alone and untrusting? If yes, then why did He create the illusion of companionship and togetherness in my eyes? Why did the person of my dreams even enter my life in the first place?

There are no answers. There are only musings. But there is one certainly – I shall never be able to love again. I know that for sure with each passing day, when I eye every advance with suspicion, every kind act with scrutiny and keep every caring person at arm’s length.

No light at the end of this tunnel.

The 30-something shift


maddy:

“generationally insane” – finally an acceptable explanation!

Originally posted on Me and the Girl from Clapham:

“What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon?” cried Daisy,
“and the day after that, and the next thirty years?”

The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald

Start running. Start dancing. Start studying to train as a medic. Start a church. Apply for a transfer to New York. Transfer to London from Minneapolis. Move to Abu Dhabi. Move to Thailand. Move to Moldova. Move to South Sudan. Quit your job without having a new job to go to…

All of these things have all happened to me and my friends in the past couple of years. And we’ve all either turned or are about to turn thirty.

When we were teenagers we were all told we’d have several careers in our lifetimes. The days of one-job for life were long gone, and the time where you’d only do one thing in your life were numbered when we were 16. Now they are definitely…

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Does life turnaround in 3 days?


It’s the 28th day of March 2013 and the day is nearing its end.

Why today’s date is so important is that a few months back I took a pledge – one to change my life. It could happen in only two ways. One, that I find a job that is more challenging and let is absorb me, so I do not have the time or the energy to think about anything other than work. Or to get married to any stranger that my parents choose for me. Period.

I set 31st March as a deadline for this. I thought I would have changed my life by now. I have made all the efforts to, more than I did when I had not set a deadline.

  • I bought a camera and dedicated time to learning what all it can do. In the process, I managed to shift focus from all the negative thoughts that had been plaguing me.
  • I spend more time with friends (specially with one particular friend) with whom I go out for movies and outdoor photography. And yes, I crib a lot to her all the while. But it feels so good to be able to talk to someone, who at least has a clue what you are going through.
  • I doubled up my efforts to find a different job. I have appeared for 3 face-to-face interviews since Jan this year, as compared to various telephonic interviews last year that never got converted into F2Fs. (I am still awaiting the verdict of the last one!)

And for that reason, I am wondering if the verdict of that last one will be out in 3 days because that is all the time I have. Because what is a pledge that one doesn’t fulfil.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Starting Over :)


When I read the theme for this Week’s Writing Challenge, I couldn’t help but smile at the way life tickles you sometimes. This week’s theme is ‘starting over’. This blog of mine which I started in August 2012 is titled the same. This blog was supposed to be a teeny tiny step towards creating a better, happier, more joyous life for myself. And why did I need a new blog to do that for me? I have written enough about that already, so I am not going to rant again. What I am going to write here today is about how I am actually starting over with my life.

Although one can’t put these things down in bullets, but hey, I am trying to keep it simple.. So here it is:

1. I smile more. I laugh more.

2. I have learned to say ‘I’m doing good’ when someone asks me how I’ve been. I know it is not entirely true, but I’ve come to believe if I say it loud often I would get there sometime soon.

3. I have stopped trying to push my friends away or keep myself from making new ones. At the same time, I keep reminding myself that I am my only friend forever. Everyone else will one day disappear.

4. I have started reading again. And of course writing more candidly by way of this semi-anonymous blog.

5. I have finally fulfilled one of my deepest desires of owning a DSLR and pursuing photography seriously. I played my own Santa and bought myself a Canon 1100D T3 Rebel for Christmas and that has already brought colours into my rather morbid life. (You can see some of my clicks in my previous blog post)

6. I make a conscious effort to not feel sorry for myself. Whenever I feel sorry and sad, I tell myself everything happens for a reason.

7. I have accepted that sometimes you got to stop worrying about the future and let destiny take its course.